Rants & Ramblings

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:42:14 GMT

Oh wow it's been a long time since I posted.

Update on my life.

Met a guy on SG. (no way, guys on a porn site?). Met in meatspace, hit it off. Hooked up, started dating...
And it turns out he's kind of lame. Yeah, yeah, anyone who's 28 and willing to date an 18 year old is a little off. But he's really a bit of a dick. And he's also annoying... calling and texting like 5,000 times a day, and then saying nothing, except for starting an argument about everything I say. And by the way, I suck at starting conflict, so I can't break up with him. Unless maybe I can do it via text, but even I am not okay with that.

Oh, by the way... during this time, he convinced me that it would be a good idea to go off my medication... not like I wasn't already insecure enough about taking it and all... oddly enough, my hallucinations and delusions are gone. But generally speaking, it is not a good idea to go off medication without consulting a professional and all.

But anyway, I also have a new therapist who I like quite a bit more than my old one so far.

Anyway, I am off.
Later.

Guess Who!

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 00:34:35 GMT

So just now, "somebody" told me that my school is "13th grade". I feel like she said it to make me feel bad or stupid or something. I'm neither. But since I've been so unstable lately, this really makes me want to cut. I mean, feeling stupid plus my parents situation and my mom moving out and my dad thinking that she's going out on dates and the feeling that I'll never fall in love again and the knowledge that my sister needs therapy and won't ask for it, and the overall stress that comes from trying to achieve... I don't need to hear about how stupid I am.
I know, I know, that's probably not what she meant. But she's been known to do this shit to me.

And also, I don't have Cindy for aftercare, which makes me feel really irrationally abandoned. And again, this girl was the one who told me, and she and Erica both have Cindy... if anyone else told me, they'd probably continue with something like "but that could be untrue", but this girl had to just say it. I feel like such a loser, as if she chose to not have me for aftercare. I feel like I did something wrong to make her dislike me.

But here I was, doing so well, and now I'm falling to pieces because of one stupid conversation (though admittedly it was on top of a bunch of other stuff).

I don't know what I'm going to do... I don't want to get better anymore.

practical algebra

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 02:08:13 GMT

If x=your daughter being naked and y=her door being closed, and x=y, WHY would you come in without knocking in the middle of the night, and especially not leave immediately upon realized that she is indeed unclothed? She's your fucking daughter.

I can't deal with it. My room is the hottest in the house, and I need to be comfortable, and even with the fan, it's not enough. Everyone else in the world has the decency to knock, or the common sense to close the door when someone is seen naked. But last night, not for the first time, I rolled over upon hearing some noise outside in the hall and saw my dad standing in my doorway. The door wasn't wide open, I remember shutting it all the way, as I always do, and all he'd done was open it wide enough for his face. When he saw me turn, he mumbled "oh" and went back to bed. This pisses me off so much. I don't think he's trying to be a pervert, but how many other conclusions are there? Coming into a lit up room without knocking; he's done this for years, and it's always bugged me, but really, you'd think he's learn. I don't like people seeing me naked, and the purpose of a door is to keep people out. I refuse to wear pajamas just because some douchebag can't learn to keep doors closed. But it looks like that's my only option.

So tonight is an experiment. I will remain naked and uncovered, and if my dad comes in, I will rant and scream like hell to get him out, permanently. And if he doesn't come in, I will simply rejoice in my ability to be comfortable.

Falling out of love at this volume

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 02:33:14 GMT

A very good Bright Eyes song. Also a very sad truth.

We had a good run, despite our ups and downs. Two years is no small feat. But somehow, the opportunity to finally spend the night at his house was not the emotionally satisfying experience I hoped it would be. We've both changed so much over these years, and it's time to move on. I'm not saying that I don't want to be friends, but there is no longer a sexual attachment.

This hurts more than breaking up, because I know it's for good.

Though maybe the worst part is that he doesn't know yet.

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 02:30:29 GMT

<table border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=3 bgcolor=white>
<tr><td><a href="http://www.colorquiz.com"><img border=0 alt=ColorQuiz.com src="http://www.colorquiz.com/images/colorquizlogosmall2.gif" width=120 height=32></a></td>
<td>Lizz/Kiwi took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!<p><i>"Her need to feel more causative and to have a wide..."</i><p>
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Thu, 09 Aug 2007 04:00:35 GMT

I could be lying in the arms of the man I love right now and for the next 6 and a half hours.

But he has a sinus headache.

Yeah, I thought it was a shitty excuse too.

work

Mon, 06 Aug 2007 03:33:30 GMT

I was assaulted at work on Friday.

Okay, that sounds big and scary, but it was really just one punch. But still, that's obscene when someone is working with kids. I trusted this girl for a year as my friend. With my history, trust is a huge part of any friendship, specifically physical trust. Now that she's shattered that, I'm afraid to go to work. How do I know that ignoring her won't piss her off again so she punches me again? I'm talking to my supervisor about it tomorrow, but what if I sound like some crybaby?
But on the other hand, what if I don't tell and she does it again? How will it look if I only tell it the 2nd time?

This is absurd. I'm nearly 18, and I'm concerned with bullying. From high school. If this were Harmony rather than life, she would be suspended. Now that it's life, I hope she gets fucking fired. I'm sick of this shit from people.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 00:08:59 GMT

You know how old people sometimes enter a "second childhood"? I'm reasonably convinced that unhappy middle-aged baby boomers do something similar: second adolescence.

This can be characterized in the following ways:
-Leaving dish rags clogging the drain in the basement, so the floor is covered in soapy water from the washing machine.
-Leaving your husband because he doesn't fit your current needs
-Throwing around the fact that you can go to singles nights while your husband who you are still married to sits home and mopes.

It can also be seen in cases where the following happen:
-You see your wife doing one of these three things, and then you rant aloud about how immature she is for anyone to hear..." anyone" specifically being your two teenage daughters who have their own problems with this.

Yeah, life is beautiful.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 04:54:42 GMT

Today marks the end of an era. I am no longer in girl scouts. Sure, I could pay $133 per year (don't ask me where they get these numbers) and be an adult girl scout, but I don't really want to. I didn't even want to be in girl scouts past 6th grade or so. But back then, I didn't want to be in anything. I was miserable all the time and felt horribly slighted if someone wasn't paying attention to me.
I've grown quite a bit in these past 6 years. Sure, I still felt left out when the girls would divide into two groups, neither of which had room for me, but all together we had a group dynamic going.
But today was the last day. It was fun, we went into Manhattan and saw Stomp. Before that we went shopping on canal street (I'll never do that again, unless I buy an illegal baby turtle) and ate lunch in Little Italy. We walked some more, and ate dinner at Telephone, an English-style bar and grill. I got calamari. It kind of killed my illusion that the rings are just severed suckers. The cook fried up some babies with my rings, and I couldn't eat them too well. I think I might be a full-on vegetarian now.
That's all irrelevant.
After Stomp, we took the train from Penn home (I got a Hagen Daaz triple chocolate milkshake to take my medicine with... bad idea, I think I'm chocolated out for the next week. At least I got my meds in time.) Once we got to the Huntington train station, we walked up to where Mrs. Gardner and her daughter Kate had parked their cars. Tori, Marie, Stephanie, and I got a ride home from Mrs. Gardner, and Kelly and Kristen got rides home from Kate. When we met up at the cars, no one really knew what to say. "Bye" pretty much summed it up. Nothing big, no one cried... no one really seemed to care.
When we got to my house, Mrs. Gardner got out of the car to give me a hug. I said "goodbye" and "thank you", but my voice cracked. I ran into my house (I had taken my key out ahead of time for just this reason) and sat for a second to take off my shoes. My mom saw me, and said her piece.
So no one else cared, no one else cried... so why am I?

Survey Says...

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 22:11:00 GMT

1. First Name?
Elizabeth

2. What holiday is your birthday closest to?
Secular: Labor Day. Jewish: Simchat Torah or Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur.

3. Favorite fruit?
Plums!

4. Does it bother you when someone says they'll call you and they don't?
A lot. I always get paranoid that they secretly don't like me.

5. Are you allergic to anything?
Nope

6. Is there someone/something you want to be with right now?
Yeah. Several people.

7. When was the last time you went swimming?
Friday

8. How many U.S states have you been to?
New York, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Georgia, Alabama, California, Florida... I think that's it. So, 8.

9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in?
Uno.

10. Have you ever lived outside the U.S?
Nope

11. What's your favorite kind of drink?
Non-alcoholic. After that I don't care much.

12. Does anyone like you?
Gah... don't ask that.

13. Do you have any strange pets?
Nope, my pets are pretty normal.

14. What is your dream car?
Any hybrid, really. Preferably an affordable one.

15. What'd you do yesterday?
Applied for jobs.

16.Are you bipolar?
Nope, not at all.

17. Where would you want to go on a first date?
Hmmm. Hechshire park. I like that place.

18. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally?
Sort of? I've been the only person in a room while someone was playing an instrument.

19. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
No.

20. What was the last text message you received:
"Ponies"... thank you, Erica. Never explained it, either.

21. Have you ever bungee jumped?
No, but I want to.

22. Have you ever been white water rafting?
No, but I want to.

23. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
No.

24. Are you an extreme racist?
No, I hate everyone equally.

25. What sound are you listening to right now?
Bright Eyes and my fan.

26. What's your favorite song at the moment?
It's an old one (for me), but Deceptacon. (Who put the bomp in the bomp a lomp a lomp?)

27. What was the last movie you watched?
Knocked Up

28. Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Ice cream place in Oakdale

29. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property?
Nope.

30. Have you ever been punched?
Yeah...

31. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex?
Gender. Usually.

32. Did you participate in any sports in middle school?
No, but I did try out for volleyball.

33. What do you usually order from Olive Garden?
Don't know, I've never been there.

34. Say something totally random about yourself?
I'm married to Erica

35. Do you have an iPod?
No, but I have a sansa

36. Do you have freckles?
Yeah, but they're not as prominent as they used to be.

37. Are you comfortable with your height?
Yeah, I actually really like it.

38. Do you love someone right now?
Yeah

39. How tall are you?
5'4"

40. Do you speak any other language other than English?
A decent amount of French, but I'm not fluent.

41. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yep!

42. Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Not recently, but yes.

43. Do you watch MTV?
You caught me. Engaged and Underage is the best show in the world.

44. What's something that really annoys you?
When people who hate me friend me on myspace or facebook.

45. Do you have a boyfriend?
Nope.

46. Do you drive when you go on a long trip?
I've never been on a really long trip, at least, not when I was of driving age.

47. What's the latest you have ever stayed out?
Hmmm... two?

48. Have you ever thought that you were honestly going to die?
Oh yes.

49. Were you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?
No, thank god.

50. Who do you live with?
Parents (for now) and sister

51. What color is your hair?
Brown

52.What color are your eyes?
Hazel

Get off the internet!

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 20:58:27 GMT

I have been on a Le Tigre binge for the last few days, which has let to a little Bikini Kill too. Regardless of who I introduce them to, I get the same type of reaction... "they're okay..." Except for a certain someone who made his distaste more than obvious. I don't understand why. Their energy is absolutely contagious.

Anyway, I'm just writing to say that I'm still here and will be posting more when I have more to say. I'm pretty boring right now. But I did get Pokémon Leaf Green, and I've been playing that.

Also, I love dogs. Particularly Lauren and Erica's Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. They're so cute! I've never been a dog person before, but those are just unbearably adorable.

Another strange fact: I have an enormous purple bruise on the back of my left leg. If you kicked me, please tell me, because this is an unsolvable mystery otherwise.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 18:44:42 GMT

I've been thinking about friends lately, since college is coming up and I'll need to make new ones (not that I won't keep in touch with the old ones). Because I'm so shy, I seem to fall into a pattern with friends, initially. Well, no more. I will no longer get stuck with people who I don't like and who mistreat me just because I can't find anyone else. I will meet people of my own accord, and they will be awesome. And I won't date anyone just because they pressure me into it (See: Dave). And I won't pressure people into dating me (See: Zack).

Just some thoughts.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 17:48:44 GMT

So there's this boy I like.

Well, he's not really a boy. I guess he's a man. But that word sounds so weird when applied to young people.

Anyway, I've been having strange dreams about him lately. Like the one where he tells me "I don't want to marry you!"
And the one where he sleeps over at my house, but it's in his bed, which happens to be in my dad's room.

My dreams are giving me mixed signals. On one hand, he doesn't want a serious relationship, but on the other hand, he would sleep over at my house. Good thing dreams aren't reality. If they were, my head would probably explode.

Though I am having more lucid dreams lately, which is pretty awesome. The only problem with those is that they still contain the honesty that I'd rather not have. For example, I dreamed that I was riding a bike, and it was suddenly flying. I realized at that instant that it was a dream, and that I could manipulate it. Since I was still asleep and honest, I had strange desires that I would never admit to anyone else (nothing disgusting or sexual, actually).

I also had a dream last night about dating another person. It was a guy who was about my age, but he had a son. He was single (I don't know what happened to his ex-girlfriend) and seemed like a great person. I had no hesitations about dating someone else... I wonder if that means that I'm ready to move on? But my dreams about the first "man" are much more vivid and emotional.

Basically, I think I want a serious relationship of some sort, and I guess I'm ready to move on if I can't get it with someone specific.

The Same Old Debate

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 23:32:57 GMT

So after last night, I've been thinking a lot about memories, and the way that anyone's mind can convince them of things that never happened. Mine is especially good at that. It's not that I'm lying intentionally, and to the best of my knowledge I'm not, but I could have memories that are entirely fabricated. I already know that I hallucinate, which means that any of my memories can be altered immeasurably as they happen, and who knows how much after they've been given time to digest. I don't know if other people ever feel this way, but I know (think?) that I can't trust myself.
And suddenly, theism seems appropriate to this line of thought. I believe that part of god is a universal consciousness that is literally all the information in the universe, which means that if you have a group of molecules configured into a banana, they will stay a banana, and cannot be altered by any thought process. Essentially, a banana is a banana until a physical process changes it. Even if nothing living knows that this banana exists, this universal consciousness knows and keeps track of it and its molecular and cellular composition. Along with this is the thought that there is a universal truth in everything, even if it's as simple as "this group of molecules is formed into cells which form a banana". Then, things get more complicated. An event occurs. This consciousness knows where each molecule was as this event occurred, as well as the significance of the event.

And now there's the issue of whether or not a person can access this information, which, in my mind, brings about the soul debate (essentially, whether or not we're just meatbags.). I believe that every living thing has a soul, and that soul has access to this information. It's all a matter of actually finding and using it. So... through meditation or worship, can I find out the truth? Buddhism teaches that people who meditate find truth, and I'm wondering if that truth is a tap into the universal consciousness. Honestly, I believe in most of the supernatural. I think that there are people who can influence events with their minds, and they do this by essentially messing around with the truth, bending it to their will. I also believe that the main source of this power is god, so it's a god-given gift to certain people, for better or for worse.

You can't go home again

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 03:13:38 GMT

Tonight sucked.

It started out okay. just going to group, like I do every Thursday night. Then, coming home, my mom asked if I wanted to see fireworks at the middle school in my district. The local fire department was having a fair. I asked to go on rides so she paid for an unlimited rides bracelet... biggest waste of $20 ever. I went on one. But there's a good reason... I saw the kid who made me crazy. Literally.

This kid got onto the school bus one day with a friend, I don't remember the friend's face. He walked over to me, put his hand between my legs, pushed me and laughed and high-fived the other kid.

It doesn't seem like a big deal, I know. But when I did the thing that kids are supposed to do: tell an adult, the assistant principal decided that the only change would be that 3rd graders can't sit in the back of the school bus. IT'S A CRIMINAL OFFENSE, AND ALL THIS ASSHOLE CARED ABOUT WAS COVERING IT UP.

And then, as I was crying and walking to the car with my mom, I saw the mob of kids who sat behind me in 10th grade english, who laughed and high-fived when I cut myself in front of them.

Dive right in!

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 21:23:18 GMT

Okay, I have a new livejournal account, courtesy of the lovely Erica. (my old one was cookiemons7er) I've been spending a lot of time with her lately and I've never had more fun. Well, maybe I have, but only during sex. Now if only I could combine sex and Erica... (just kidding).
She/we made this last night after hanging out with Greg and Avanti. I thought it would be weird, since she and Greg are dating now, but it wasn't at all.

That's actually one of those little things that kind of bothers me... when people are dating and hanging out with others, and they don't leave each other alone. An arm around the shoulders is fine, but kissing in front of people is weird, regardless of setting. Unless it's an orgy, then that's totally okay.

To change the subject entirely, I've been doing really well with my bipolar lately. DBT is really helping, even though I was reluctant to try it. Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It sounds like a torture system, but it's actually incredibly helpful. I have group therapy tonight. Note that when I say I like it, that doesn't mean that I'm motivated enough to do the group homework on time (I will right after I finish this entry, I promise. It's not really late, it's just done the day it's due. Though I think it's something I was supposed to be doing all week, so I hope I've been doing it.)

There's something else that's been on my mind lately, but I'm sure it will come out as a rant soon.

Cheers!

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 03:42:56 GMT

I'd like to thank the Academy